Goodness - has it really been that long?

When I look at the last date I posted on this blog, I have to hang my head a little in shame.  July?? Really?? Time flies. 
One would hope that with the passage of this much time that I'd have some rockin' weight loss to report.
One would hope.
One would have to keep hoping because, sad to say, I do not have such a thing to report.  In the last 3 months, I have gained, but then lost, so that I am still at the same weight I was in July. 

S

Not a totally bad thing, yes, but still not what my goal is. 
I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  I've had a job change, and a new semester started.  Those sound like excuses, but the fact is - I'm a stress eater.  With the new job I've found myself mindlessly munching.  I've tried to keep smart snacks at my desk, but the odd piece of chocolate, candy and chip has found it's way in my desk drawer. 

I'm getting back on track.  Less eating out, more eating IN.  And hopefully, back to the gym!

Wish me luck.

Unexpected

Sometimes you feel like God is smiling down and you must be living right. Other times, you wonder what in the world is going on, are you missing something you are supposed to be catching? 

I've been ill several times this year.  Between having the allergy issues, the unexplained fever and various tooth issues, it's been kind of rough.  Then with the ever looming liver problems, I've been feeling like maybe my body is just falling apart.  Slowly.  

I'm sick, yet again.  I did NOT want to go to the doctor.  I dreaded the blood pressure chat that is always accompanied by the losing weight advice.  I wasn't in the mood.  I didn't FEEL up to my normal take-it-under-the-chin self.  I had no choice though, with my asthma I cannot be too careful or careLESS about a cold that hampers my breathing. I dragged my sorry butt into the doctor and talked myself into ignoring anything I didn't want to hear. Not healthy in a doctor office, I know, but obviously, I'm not a health nut. 

I've changed my appearance a small bit since the last time I went to the doctor.  I've gotten highlights in my hair and contacts, though this day I was in no mood for contacts, I had my new glasses on instead. When my doctor walked into the room she hesitated a moment and says to me "You look so different! I like this. You look so GOOD, why are you HERE?" 

Huh?

I was totally prepared for the lecture so this was a complete surprise.

"Um, thanks" *cough* *hack* "I'm having some trouble breathing."

Then she says "OH, I hear.  Well, I just have to say, you are doing so well with losing weight and you look wonderful, so whatever you are doing, keep it up, 'cause it's working for ya."

Who knew? 

My blood pressure was sort of normal too.  120/76.  I can't even remember the last time it was around there.  It was a very good feeling.  A feeling of almost relief.  To not only get a good blood pressure reading, confirm some weight loss, and get a compliment from the doctor.  All in all, not a bad doctor visit. 

I have to say - maybe all this being sick is helping.  I know, that sounds awful, but when I'm sick, I don't FEEL like eating.  Kind of my own built-in appetite suppressant.  Unfortunately, I'd rather do without this one. I'll suffer on my own with the cravings and munchies if I could get rid of this wheezy cough and congestion in my head. 

Making It Through the Valley of Calories

I survived my Birthday potluck and weekend.  I'm proud to say that I still managed to lose 2lbs while indulging in a few goodies.  I did put my best effort into trying to not go overboard as I am known to do. 

I've started a food log again.  It's through an app on my iPhone.  So far that is working pretty well.  It really helps me to be aware of what is REALLY going into my mouth. I lose track easy and I don't realize how many calories I'm actually consuming via liquid.  Those really add up quite fast.  I'm making better effort to keep track of those. 

One more week down.

Lost: 2lbs If found do NOT return to owner

I managed to lose 2lbs last week.  Oh happiness.  Any loss is a celebration. 
This week is my birthday week.  They are planning (yes, I've been advised - its not a surprise) to have a pretty fantastic birthday breakfast potluck for me on Friday.  ARGH.  Why did I pick Saturday mornings has weigh-in day? What was I thinking?
I'm going to do my best to not OVER-indulge.  I may indulge a tad.  I mean, I've heard my favorite cheesy potato casserole will be there.  ACK.  AND sausage quiche.  AND red velvet cake.  AND various other homemade goodies.  Lord, please walk with me through this valley of fat grams and calories! 

Ruff Day

Yesterday was the year anniversary of losing my Jessa. 

It was a hard day.  I know Mel thought I was nuts because I couldn't seem to stay home.  I just knew that if I stayed home I'd be eating.  I KNOW I'm a stress and depressive eater.  Food gives me that high that makes me feel comfort.  Yesterday was definitely a french fry or mac n cheese day, but I went shopping and goofing around instead.  I wanted to stay in bed and just be depressed but life moves on and things have to get done.

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight last week - but I didn't lose any either.  I guess I need to celebrate the small victory of not going the opposite way on the scale this week. 

I did eventually cave and indulge in some french fries yesterday, but at least it was just a small. 

Disappointment

I went to the doctor to see the nutritionist.  I was disappointed.

She turned out to be a throwback from the 60's and more focused on getting me to embrace a fully organic diet rather than a "weight loss" diet or one focused on my liver issues.  I was handed some supplements and a diet that I personally find impossible to follow.  It's easier to say what I COULD eat (lots of fruits and veggies) than what I had to cut out (everything else).  How someone can look at a 300lb woman and think she can make that many changes at one time is beyond me.  Now to be honest, she did tell me to focus on one elimination each week until I'd achieved all of them, but I find that extremely difficult as well.
Instead I've decided to continue what I'm doing.  I'm seeing some results with it at least.  I'm fitting into jeans and shorts that I haven't been able to wear in over a year, so I know that I'm doing something right.  I'm continuing to just be more aware of what I'm eating rather than doing the mindless eating that has become such a habit.  I've been making sure I bring my lunch to work everyday and I feel like that has helped tremendously.  It also helps that those people I eat lunch with are also trying to watch their weight.  We've been holding each others' hands while the lunch hour approaches and you begin to hear the normal "where are we ordering for lunch?" conversations begin.  Those are sometimes very hard to ignore.
I'm bummed that I haven't seen results when I look in the mirror.  I love the fact that my pants size has changed but I'd really like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in a picture and see some result.

I've had friends at work tell me they can see a difference but I can't see it.  I guess I need to stop expecting so much and be happy with the differences I'm making.  I knew this wasn't going to be a fast process.  I have to embrace the process and ride it out.  I know I can do it.  I just need a little shake every now and then.

For Health's Sake

When I began this weight loss effort it was not only because I wanted to be thin and looking fabulous but also because I'm approaching my 40's (ack!) as a morbidly obese adult.  My 36 year old body is beginning to show some cracks and good old fashioned wear and tear.  At the rate that I'm going my body will be completely useless by the time that I reach my 50's and I'll still not be old enough to tap into my retirement funds and have a good time.  This past Fall my doctor did a bunch of blood tests.  My thyroid was out of wack - no surprise, sugar was fine - believe it or not, but the shocker was something wasn't quite right with my liver.  This kind of made me nervous but I've been told that something as simple as Tylenol can make the numbers not quite right.  Another blood test was ordered.  After a couple more blood tests and an ultrasound, I was packed off to a gastroenterologist for a second opinion.  Talk about nervous.

He told me that I have a "fatty liver".  This causes the liver to become inflamed.  An inflamed liver leads to cirrhosis, which of course, leads to liver failure. 
 

Eek.

That's scary news to me.  Time to really take this weight loss seriously.  I was able to lose some weight on my own and the levels of my liver enzymes which is what increases with the fatty liver problem were lower.  This means I have not done irreperable damage at this point.  Phew. So tomorrow I go to see a nutritionist and get put on a medically supervised diet.  I have to say.  This scares me.  The only time I actually followed a diet was a short period of time while living with my sister-in-law.  I had all sorts of food dreams and I was miserable.  I didn't stick to it.  

My hope is that with this being "medically supervised" that I will be more likely to follow it.  I will be checking in with my doctor every two weeks for the first three months.  Then monthly after that.  With these check-ins, I think I will be successful.  That is the plan.  

I'm half dreading but yet kind of excited to start this diet.  I'm dreading the work and dicipline this will take but I'm looking forward to the results.  

Slackin' In More Ways Than One

Not only have I been slacking on my blog, I've also been slackin' on keeping up with my goals.  As my follow-up doctor appointment started creeping up on me I began to behave worse rather than better.  What is that?  Then the week of the appointment I've been super good, like a bad kid who misbehaves while mom is away but panics the hour before they know she's going to be home.  I haven't been giving this my whole-hearted effort.  I realize that.  I have made some small changes.  Things that have made a small difference but not the true difference I really need.

Since I've started this blog I've lost 10lbs.  Overall, an amount to be proud of I suppose.  But when I look at how long that has taken I'm totally disappointed in myself.  On a positive note, according to the doc's records, since all this baloney with my health started I've lost 20lbs.  That is definitely a number to be proud of.  I just really need to focus and use this time wisely and stop just piddling around at this.  Ack.  New focus.  Stick to my blog and stay focused!!  Pop on here daily if that's what it takes to give me that pep talk I need.  Geesh.  I feel like kicking myself in butt for wasting time but I'm ultimately glad that I have lost weight rather than put it on no matter what.  I just have to remember that. 

I need to focus on exercise and ignore the stupid blister I have on my heel.  Ignore the fact that I slept in one position for so long that my shoulder aches.  These aches that make me feel old.  I think this weight really contributes to that "old" feeling.  I don't get proper sleep and I don't do lots of things that I used to enjoy.  I want to feel young again.  The only time I've felt young lately is when I sat there in the doctor's office gritting my teeth, staring at the opposite wall, and mustering the bravest face I could while getting my shot.  Took me back in time to those childhood shots and pretending they didn't bother me.  ICK.  I hate needles.

Time for the brave face and focus to be back on my health again.

The Wrong Way

As I stepped on the scale last Saturday and looked down, I cringed.  I knew it was going to be bad.  I'd eaten some stuff I knew better than to eat.  Well, it's one thing to eat french fries one day of the week, but two?  And not only were they french fries, but they were smothered with melted cheese and bacon.  What was I thinking?? I'll tell you what I was thinking...jello sucks, but fries in all their greasy goodness totally tickle my carbohydrate addicted self.  *sigh*  I wish that you could NOT eat carbs for a week and suddenly become NOT addicted to them. I realize that with some effort and extended time - longer than a week at least, I could beat this carb addiction, but for now, I struggle.  Boy do I struggle with it. 

I need to realize that this weight loss should stay LOSS.  Not go the other direction as it did this week.  I gained 2 pounds.  Doesn't seem like a lot but I'm trying to keep this going in one direction. 

 

Hopefully, when I step on the scale tomorrow, this week will not have been a bust, but I sort of know it won't be as good as I hope.  I have done better than last week, but I've still slid a little.  I know what I should be doing and that's the hardest part to swallow, or NOT to swallow.  I've read the books.  I know what is good for me and what isn't.  I know what a normal portion size is.  So what in the world is it in my brain that turns that off?? What is it that causes that evil voice to pop up and say "Just go ahead, we'll exercise tomorrow, it'll be ok" knowing that I won't exercise.  I need to figure out what it is.   They say that people who lack this turn-off switch are trying to fill something.  I'm not sure what I'm trying to fill, maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I won't.  I just know that I need some new habits.  Good ones.  Right now, I'm my worst enemy and I need to quit sabotaging myself.  I need to tell that little cheater voice to shut up and suck on a celery stick.  

 

Can someone say "ouch"?

I've a new outlook on tooth pain.  Yes, I had a major toothache. 

I've never made fun of or belittled those who have had major toothaches before but I can honestly say, I never really had any concept of the pain.  

In the wee hours of Tuesday morning I awoke suddenly to a major pain in one of my teeth.  It was one of my teeth that seemed to have a small cavity.  I've got worse teeth, so I assumed something must've gotten lodged in the cavity and as soon as I brushed it would be fine. 

It wasn't.  I brushed my teeth several times and the pain just got worse.  I took some Ibuprofen to take the edge off, but the pain was so intense that I knew, I had no choice, I must go to the dentist.  AAACK!

I pulled up every bit of courage...ok, maybe courage is too strong a word, but it was not something I was looking forward to, so I pushed the dread to the back of my mind and hauled my butt off to the dentist.  I'd never gone to this particular one before but he turned out to be a good choice.  (Some people know what they are talking about when they refer you to a doctor.  Others, well, let's just say they ought to keep their opinions to themselves.)

A few hours and a root canal later, I was off on my merry way.  

When I've gone to the dentist in the past, I've been given Tylenol 3 as a painkiller.  This one says to me, "You had quite a bit of infection, so I'm going to give you a prescription for some generic Vicodin."

"Huh? For a tooth?" I'm thinking. 

With numb face and lips I head toward the Publix pharmacy.  I figure I'll make use of my wait time and grab some Jello and maybe some soup, so I can eat some lunch without munching the side of my mouth.  After waiting 20min for my meds, the numbness was wearing off.  I was beginning to feel pain that didn't even compare to the prior tooth pain pre-root canal.  "What have I done?" I'm thinking, as I'm also wondering how fast I could hop the pharmacy counter to grab that magical yellow-brown bottle and pop a pill.  I managed to control myself and politely accepted my little pharmacy package and left as quickly as I could.  Once home, I dosed myself and promptly passed out.

  

I skipped breakfast and lunch that day.  Then I had Jello and pudding for dinner.  The following day I was still afraid to eat anything solid.  Not until Thursday did I get brave and begin to eat normally again.  

The amazing and frightening thing in all of this is not how my neglect of my dental hygeine led to an extra expense, not to mention excruciating pain, it was the fact that I was able to lose a little over 6lbs this week because of it.  It makes one ALMOST think of starving themselves for a day each week.  I say ALMOST because I'm not idiot enough to believe it would work.  I've read enough fitness and nutrition articles to know better.  Doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind anyway, we all have weak moments.

Scavenger Hunts

Each week since my sister has discovered the coupon sites, I've set out to several stores with a list and a handful of coupons.  I take the stack of coupons, the list and head into the store with the feeling of a child on a scavenger hunt.  The list comes with cryptic clues of what I should be buying, "this should cost 25 cents", "this should be free, or almost free", while also eyeballing the corresponding coupons to find the specific item in question.  I'll admit, sometimes I don't get the right item.  Sometimes I swear she imagined such an item exists.  Other times I stand in an aisle gazing at the myriad of possibilities, "is it the big one or the little one?", "red, black, or yellow?", "what is she talking about?".  It's become a little personal challenge.  The side benefit that hadn't even occurred to me during my wandering is in fact, the wandering.  From one side of the store to the other I go.  Around and around a specific department until I find that in which I've been searching.  I think I need to start wearing a pedometer on these store trips.  It would be interesting to see how many steps I take.

This week passed and I didn't get the weekly list.   Oh, wait, I did make one trip to CVS for one item, then a fruitless trip to Target for another, but I didn't get my scavenger hunt list. I'm blaming the fact that I didn't get a list this week for not losing any weight.  (I had to find something to blame)

The positive note is that I didn't gain any weight either.  Unfortunately, the goal is not to maintain at this point.  I need to stick to my 1lb a week loss goal.  *sigh*  My YMCA friend said something that stuck in my head the other day.  She said that once you begin making excuses for NOT exercising it becomes that much easier to KEEP making excuses.  She has a point.  I think I've made my wacked hormonal episode my standby excuse.  I'm not saying it's not a valid one because it does drain me of energy, but I know I've let days pass by with no effort when I should have gotten myself up and moving.  So, I resolve to make an effort on those days when I know I can do it and stop using this crutch.

 

In spite of myself

The only exercise I've managed this week is to take my everyday walk at work. About 15-20min of a stroll around the buildings while gossiping. I've tried to pay attention to what I'm eating but honestly, sometimes I just don't want to care. Is that bad? I mean, I wish I was one of those dudes who could eat 10 cheeseburgers a couple of fries and a coke and not gain an ounce. *sigh* But, or should I say BIG OLE BUTT no? I can see that sausage egg mcmuffin sitting over here on my left thigh. Then over on the right thigh is that double chocolate fudge cake. Oh and lets not forget the alfredo sauce resting on my gut. Yeah, I didn't do too well in the calories consumed column this week. Nor did I do well in the exercise column. So, what was the outcome of this slothful week?

In spite of myself, I lost 2 lbs. Yeah, who would've thought it? Certainly did not occur to me. I'll take it though. I'm not throwing that 2lbs back in the pond.

It's been brought to my attention that I should probably invest in some good vitamins. Maybe some extra iron since Aunt Flo continues to show her ugly face and has extended her stay too many times. I think I see a Walmart vitamin trip in my future. I'm hopeful that this may help me get that lead feeling out of my big ole butt and get moving.

Total Lack of Motivation

I was on a roll last week.  Was feeling super charged and uber motivated to do this thing.  What the heck?  It's too early in the game for this, isn't it? Or is this when the UNmotivation kicks in?  All I know is, it's cold outside and I'm laying (or is it lying) on my bed thinking "Who in their right mind goes to the gym on a cold Sunday?"  I'm watching the clock tick the minutes by when if I'd just gotten up and moving, I would have been back by now.  Yet I sit here. 
My only excuse - you knew I'd have one - is that I'm a girl and I'm playing the hormone game this week.  I know that's really a weak excuse, but it's mine, and I'm sticking to it.  I've been snacking this week like some crazy college kid pothead.   Luckily for me, my sister has been catching great deals on the 100 calorie snack packages, Cheerios and apples.  At least these keep me from running amuck.
As for my goals, I didn't lose any weight this week, but I didn't gain any either. Woot! I still haven't started my food journal. I hit my one coke a day goal each of those days I went to the gym, but it's an easy one to lose sight of when not exercising.  The thought of consuming every calorie you just burned in that half-hour on the tread mill in one soda is not a pleasant thought! I did manage to walk everyday despite missing the gym.
Here's to a new week, and here's to ending the "blahs".  I need to get my butt out of the house and go walk.

No pain, no gain, right?

Tell that to my thighs!! HOLY SMOKES!
I braced myself and put on my brave face and went to the spinning class today.  Now this is the "Intro to Spinning" class.  The one that is the "little taste" of the real deal.  Wow.  That's about all I can say is Wow.  I can now say that the tiny little bike is capable of handling my weight.  The other thing I can say is that my rear end is not used to having all that weight centered on one tiny little spot.  Holy moly.  Afterward, as I walked to the car, I was feeling quite full of myself and rather psyched.  I mean, it's not everyday that I work up a good ole sweat like that.  It wasn't until I got home and had to face those steps to the front door.  Now yesterday's jelly legs really had a hard time up those steps, so I was dreading them this go around.  I also think I was wrong.  Yesterday my legs were more like Twizzlers.  A little wobbly but still holding their shape and stregnth.  Today, TOTAL jelly.  Oh my goodness, I felt like I needed to do a happy dance once I got to the top but I wasn't sure that my legs could keep me standing let alone dance. 

Tomorrow I go back to work and my office walking partner will be back.  I hope the jelly is a little firmer tomorrow.  I have an appointment to learn the various equipment at the Y tomorrow as well.  Then I'm gonna take a day off.  My poor legs will need it.

Honesty? Did I really say that?

I did say I was going to be honest, so I will be.  I've not stuck to my little mini goals very well this past week.  I know, shame on me.  I totally let life get in the way of achieving my goals.  When will I learn that this is up to me? You get out of this exactly what you put in.
If we are what we eat, then this past week I was a large Coke, big greasy burger and side of fries.  Well, I won't be overly hard on myself.  I was careful about my portion sizes and only half the amount of soda that I have been used to consuming lately.  My walking partner at work was off for the week so I totally lacked the motivation to walk on my own.  The week appeared to be going down that slippery slope and I was doing nothing to stop it, when I met a friend for lunch on Thursday.  She was telling me all about her intention to join the YMCA and get healthy.  I spoke up that I have had my membership since summer and could count the times I'd made use of it on one hand.  "Would you like to start going with me?" she asked.  Suddenly, it was as if we were supposed to be having this conversation at that moment as the grease from my burger dripped down the back of my hand.  "Sure." I said around the mouthful of french fries.
I'm so glad to have started this with my friend.  We've decided to try out the classes and check out the equipment and figure this thing out as we go.  So far, she's tried Yoga (I chickened out, I'm soo not ready for that) and I've tried the elyptical machine.  My jelly legs today tell me that I did get a pretty good leg workout from my cardio workout! Tomorrow we are checking out the spinning class.  I'm a little nervous.  I mean, is there a weight limit on those tiny little bikes? Anyway, we shall see.  I'm just so glad to have someone to go with and keep me accountable.  As this past week without my office walking partner has demonstrated, I need this accountability. 
All in all, the week was not a total bust as I lost almost 3 lbs.  Imagine what I could do if I put some more effort into it.  I'm on my way!