Unexpected

Sometimes you feel like God is smiling down and you must be living right. Other times, you wonder what in the world is going on, are you missing something you are supposed to be catching? 

I've been ill several times this year.  Between having the allergy issues, the unexplained fever and various tooth issues, it's been kind of rough.  Then with the ever looming liver problems, I've been feeling like maybe my body is just falling apart.  Slowly.  

I'm sick, yet again.  I did NOT want to go to the doctor.  I dreaded the blood pressure chat that is always accompanied by the losing weight advice.  I wasn't in the mood.  I didn't FEEL up to my normal take-it-under-the-chin self.  I had no choice though, with my asthma I cannot be too careful or careLESS about a cold that hampers my breathing. I dragged my sorry butt into the doctor and talked myself into ignoring anything I didn't want to hear. Not healthy in a doctor office, I know, but obviously, I'm not a health nut. 

I've changed my appearance a small bit since the last time I went to the doctor.  I've gotten highlights in my hair and contacts, though this day I was in no mood for contacts, I had my new glasses on instead. When my doctor walked into the room she hesitated a moment and says to me "You look so different! I like this. You look so GOOD, why are you HERE?" 

Huh?

I was totally prepared for the lecture so this was a complete surprise.

"Um, thanks" *cough* *hack* "I'm having some trouble breathing."

Then she says "OH, I hear.  Well, I just have to say, you are doing so well with losing weight and you look wonderful, so whatever you are doing, keep it up, 'cause it's working for ya."

Who knew? 

My blood pressure was sort of normal too.  120/76.  I can't even remember the last time it was around there.  It was a very good feeling.  A feeling of almost relief.  To not only get a good blood pressure reading, confirm some weight loss, and get a compliment from the doctor.  All in all, not a bad doctor visit. 

I have to say - maybe all this being sick is helping.  I know, that sounds awful, but when I'm sick, I don't FEEL like eating.  Kind of my own built-in appetite suppressant.  Unfortunately, I'd rather do without this one. I'll suffer on my own with the cravings and munchies if I could get rid of this wheezy cough and congestion in my head. 

Making It Through the Valley of Calories

I survived my Birthday potluck and weekend.  I'm proud to say that I still managed to lose 2lbs while indulging in a few goodies.  I did put my best effort into trying to not go overboard as I am known to do. 

I've started a food log again.  It's through an app on my iPhone.  So far that is working pretty well.  It really helps me to be aware of what is REALLY going into my mouth. I lose track easy and I don't realize how many calories I'm actually consuming via liquid.  Those really add up quite fast.  I'm making better effort to keep track of those. 

One more week down.

Lost: 2lbs If found do NOT return to owner

I managed to lose 2lbs last week.  Oh happiness.  Any loss is a celebration. 
This week is my birthday week.  They are planning (yes, I've been advised - its not a surprise) to have a pretty fantastic birthday breakfast potluck for me on Friday.  ARGH.  Why did I pick Saturday mornings has weigh-in day? What was I thinking?
I'm going to do my best to not OVER-indulge.  I may indulge a tad.  I mean, I've heard my favorite cheesy potato casserole will be there.  ACK.  AND sausage quiche.  AND red velvet cake.  AND various other homemade goodies.  Lord, please walk with me through this valley of fat grams and calories! 

Ruff Day

Yesterday was the year anniversary of losing my Jessa. 

It was a hard day.  I know Mel thought I was nuts because I couldn't seem to stay home.  I just knew that if I stayed home I'd be eating.  I KNOW I'm a stress and depressive eater.  Food gives me that high that makes me feel comfort.  Yesterday was definitely a french fry or mac n cheese day, but I went shopping and goofing around instead.  I wanted to stay in bed and just be depressed but life moves on and things have to get done.

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight last week - but I didn't lose any either.  I guess I need to celebrate the small victory of not going the opposite way on the scale this week. 

I did eventually cave and indulge in some french fries yesterday, but at least it was just a small. 

Disappointment

I went to the doctor to see the nutritionist.  I was disappointed.

She turned out to be a throwback from the 60's and more focused on getting me to embrace a fully organic diet rather than a "weight loss" diet or one focused on my liver issues.  I was handed some supplements and a diet that I personally find impossible to follow.  It's easier to say what I COULD eat (lots of fruits and veggies) than what I had to cut out (everything else).  How someone can look at a 300lb woman and think she can make that many changes at one time is beyond me.  Now to be honest, she did tell me to focus on one elimination each week until I'd achieved all of them, but I find that extremely difficult as well.
Instead I've decided to continue what I'm doing.  I'm seeing some results with it at least.  I'm fitting into jeans and shorts that I haven't been able to wear in over a year, so I know that I'm doing something right.  I'm continuing to just be more aware of what I'm eating rather than doing the mindless eating that has become such a habit.  I've been making sure I bring my lunch to work everyday and I feel like that has helped tremendously.  It also helps that those people I eat lunch with are also trying to watch their weight.  We've been holding each others' hands while the lunch hour approaches and you begin to hear the normal "where are we ordering for lunch?" conversations begin.  Those are sometimes very hard to ignore.
I'm bummed that I haven't seen results when I look in the mirror.  I love the fact that my pants size has changed but I'd really like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in a picture and see some result.

I've had friends at work tell me they can see a difference but I can't see it.  I guess I need to stop expecting so much and be happy with the differences I'm making.  I knew this wasn't going to be a fast process.  I have to embrace the process and ride it out.  I know I can do it.  I just need a little shake every now and then.

For Health's Sake

When I began this weight loss effort it was not only because I wanted to be thin and looking fabulous but also because I'm approaching my 40's (ack!) as a morbidly obese adult.  My 36 year old body is beginning to show some cracks and good old fashioned wear and tear.  At the rate that I'm going my body will be completely useless by the time that I reach my 50's and I'll still not be old enough to tap into my retirement funds and have a good time.  This past Fall my doctor did a bunch of blood tests.  My thyroid was out of wack - no surprise, sugar was fine - believe it or not, but the shocker was something wasn't quite right with my liver.  This kind of made me nervous but I've been told that something as simple as Tylenol can make the numbers not quite right.  Another blood test was ordered.  After a couple more blood tests and an ultrasound, I was packed off to a gastroenterologist for a second opinion.  Talk about nervous.

He told me that I have a "fatty liver".  This causes the liver to become inflamed.  An inflamed liver leads to cirrhosis, which of course, leads to liver failure. 
 

Eek.

That's scary news to me.  Time to really take this weight loss seriously.  I was able to lose some weight on my own and the levels of my liver enzymes which is what increases with the fatty liver problem were lower.  This means I have not done irreperable damage at this point.  Phew. So tomorrow I go to see a nutritionist and get put on a medically supervised diet.  I have to say.  This scares me.  The only time I actually followed a diet was a short period of time while living with my sister-in-law.  I had all sorts of food dreams and I was miserable.  I didn't stick to it.  

My hope is that with this being "medically supervised" that I will be more likely to follow it.  I will be checking in with my doctor every two weeks for the first three months.  Then monthly after that.  With these check-ins, I think I will be successful.  That is the plan.  

I'm half dreading but yet kind of excited to start this diet.  I'm dreading the work and dicipline this will take but I'm looking forward to the results.  

Slackin' In More Ways Than One

Not only have I been slacking on my blog, I've also been slackin' on keeping up with my goals.  As my follow-up doctor appointment started creeping up on me I began to behave worse rather than better.  What is that?  Then the week of the appointment I've been super good, like a bad kid who misbehaves while mom is away but panics the hour before they know she's going to be home.  I haven't been giving this my whole-hearted effort.  I realize that.  I have made some small changes.  Things that have made a small difference but not the true difference I really need.

Since I've started this blog I've lost 10lbs.  Overall, an amount to be proud of I suppose.  But when I look at how long that has taken I'm totally disappointed in myself.  On a positive note, according to the doc's records, since all this baloney with my health started I've lost 20lbs.  That is definitely a number to be proud of.  I just really need to focus and use this time wisely and stop just piddling around at this.  Ack.  New focus.  Stick to my blog and stay focused!!  Pop on here daily if that's what it takes to give me that pep talk I need.  Geesh.  I feel like kicking myself in butt for wasting time but I'm ultimately glad that I have lost weight rather than put it on no matter what.  I just have to remember that. 

I need to focus on exercise and ignore the stupid blister I have on my heel.  Ignore the fact that I slept in one position for so long that my shoulder aches.  These aches that make me feel old.  I think this weight really contributes to that "old" feeling.  I don't get proper sleep and I don't do lots of things that I used to enjoy.  I want to feel young again.  The only time I've felt young lately is when I sat there in the doctor's office gritting my teeth, staring at the opposite wall, and mustering the bravest face I could while getting my shot.  Took me back in time to those childhood shots and pretending they didn't bother me.  ICK.  I hate needles.

Time for the brave face and focus to be back on my health again.