Lost: 2lbs If found do NOT return to owner

I managed to lose 2lbs last week.  Oh happiness.  Any loss is a celebration. 
This week is my birthday week.  They are planning (yes, I've been advised - its not a surprise) to have a pretty fantastic birthday breakfast potluck for me on Friday.  ARGH.  Why did I pick Saturday mornings has weigh-in day? What was I thinking?
I'm going to do my best to not OVER-indulge.  I may indulge a tad.  I mean, I've heard my favorite cheesy potato casserole will be there.  ACK.  AND sausage quiche.  AND red velvet cake.  AND various other homemade goodies.  Lord, please walk with me through this valley of fat grams and calories! 

Ruff Day

Yesterday was the year anniversary of losing my Jessa. 

It was a hard day.  I know Mel thought I was nuts because I couldn't seem to stay home.  I just knew that if I stayed home I'd be eating.  I KNOW I'm a stress and depressive eater.  Food gives me that high that makes me feel comfort.  Yesterday was definitely a french fry or mac n cheese day, but I went shopping and goofing around instead.  I wanted to stay in bed and just be depressed but life moves on and things have to get done.

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight last week - but I didn't lose any either.  I guess I need to celebrate the small victory of not going the opposite way on the scale this week. 

I did eventually cave and indulge in some french fries yesterday, but at least it was just a small. 

Disappointment

I went to the doctor to see the nutritionist.  I was disappointed.

She turned out to be a throwback from the 60's and more focused on getting me to embrace a fully organic diet rather than a "weight loss" diet or one focused on my liver issues.  I was handed some supplements and a diet that I personally find impossible to follow.  It's easier to say what I COULD eat (lots of fruits and veggies) than what I had to cut out (everything else).  How someone can look at a 300lb woman and think she can make that many changes at one time is beyond me.  Now to be honest, she did tell me to focus on one elimination each week until I'd achieved all of them, but I find that extremely difficult as well.
Instead I've decided to continue what I'm doing.  I'm seeing some results with it at least.  I'm fitting into jeans and shorts that I haven't been able to wear in over a year, so I know that I'm doing something right.  I'm continuing to just be more aware of what I'm eating rather than doing the mindless eating that has become such a habit.  I've been making sure I bring my lunch to work everyday and I feel like that has helped tremendously.  It also helps that those people I eat lunch with are also trying to watch their weight.  We've been holding each others' hands while the lunch hour approaches and you begin to hear the normal "where are we ordering for lunch?" conversations begin.  Those are sometimes very hard to ignore.
I'm bummed that I haven't seen results when I look in the mirror.  I love the fact that my pants size has changed but I'd really like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in a picture and see some result.

I've had friends at work tell me they can see a difference but I can't see it.  I guess I need to stop expecting so much and be happy with the differences I'm making.  I knew this wasn't going to be a fast process.  I have to embrace the process and ride it out.  I know I can do it.  I just need a little shake every now and then.

For Health's Sake

When I began this weight loss effort it was not only because I wanted to be thin and looking fabulous but also because I'm approaching my 40's (ack!) as a morbidly obese adult.  My 36 year old body is beginning to show some cracks and good old fashioned wear and tear.  At the rate that I'm going my body will be completely useless by the time that I reach my 50's and I'll still not be old enough to tap into my retirement funds and have a good time.  This past Fall my doctor did a bunch of blood tests.  My thyroid was out of wack - no surprise, sugar was fine - believe it or not, but the shocker was something wasn't quite right with my liver.  This kind of made me nervous but I've been told that something as simple as Tylenol can make the numbers not quite right.  Another blood test was ordered.  After a couple more blood tests and an ultrasound, I was packed off to a gastroenterologist for a second opinion.  Talk about nervous.

He told me that I have a "fatty liver".  This causes the liver to become inflamed.  An inflamed liver leads to cirrhosis, which of course, leads to liver failure. 
 

Eek.

That's scary news to me.  Time to really take this weight loss seriously.  I was able to lose some weight on my own and the levels of my liver enzymes which is what increases with the fatty liver problem were lower.  This means I have not done irreperable damage at this point.  Phew. So tomorrow I go to see a nutritionist and get put on a medically supervised diet.  I have to say.  This scares me.  The only time I actually followed a diet was a short period of time while living with my sister-in-law.  I had all sorts of food dreams and I was miserable.  I didn't stick to it.  

My hope is that with this being "medically supervised" that I will be more likely to follow it.  I will be checking in with my doctor every two weeks for the first three months.  Then monthly after that.  With these check-ins, I think I will be successful.  That is the plan.  

I'm half dreading but yet kind of excited to start this diet.  I'm dreading the work and dicipline this will take but I'm looking forward to the results.  

Slackin' In More Ways Than One

Not only have I been slacking on my blog, I've also been slackin' on keeping up with my goals.  As my follow-up doctor appointment started creeping up on me I began to behave worse rather than better.  What is that?  Then the week of the appointment I've been super good, like a bad kid who misbehaves while mom is away but panics the hour before they know she's going to be home.  I haven't been giving this my whole-hearted effort.  I realize that.  I have made some small changes.  Things that have made a small difference but not the true difference I really need.

Since I've started this blog I've lost 10lbs.  Overall, an amount to be proud of I suppose.  But when I look at how long that has taken I'm totally disappointed in myself.  On a positive note, according to the doc's records, since all this baloney with my health started I've lost 20lbs.  That is definitely a number to be proud of.  I just really need to focus and use this time wisely and stop just piddling around at this.  Ack.  New focus.  Stick to my blog and stay focused!!  Pop on here daily if that's what it takes to give me that pep talk I need.  Geesh.  I feel like kicking myself in butt for wasting time but I'm ultimately glad that I have lost weight rather than put it on no matter what.  I just have to remember that. 

I need to focus on exercise and ignore the stupid blister I have on my heel.  Ignore the fact that I slept in one position for so long that my shoulder aches.  These aches that make me feel old.  I think this weight really contributes to that "old" feeling.  I don't get proper sleep and I don't do lots of things that I used to enjoy.  I want to feel young again.  The only time I've felt young lately is when I sat there in the doctor's office gritting my teeth, staring at the opposite wall, and mustering the bravest face I could while getting my shot.  Took me back in time to those childhood shots and pretending they didn't bother me.  ICK.  I hate needles.

Time for the brave face and focus to be back on my health again.

The Wrong Way

As I stepped on the scale last Saturday and looked down, I cringed.  I knew it was going to be bad.  I'd eaten some stuff I knew better than to eat.  Well, it's one thing to eat french fries one day of the week, but two?  And not only were they french fries, but they were smothered with melted cheese and bacon.  What was I thinking?? I'll tell you what I was thinking...jello sucks, but fries in all their greasy goodness totally tickle my carbohydrate addicted self.  *sigh*  I wish that you could NOT eat carbs for a week and suddenly become NOT addicted to them. I realize that with some effort and extended time - longer than a week at least, I could beat this carb addiction, but for now, I struggle.  Boy do I struggle with it. 

I need to realize that this weight loss should stay LOSS.  Not go the other direction as it did this week.  I gained 2 pounds.  Doesn't seem like a lot but I'm trying to keep this going in one direction. 

 

Hopefully, when I step on the scale tomorrow, this week will not have been a bust, but I sort of know it won't be as good as I hope.  I have done better than last week, but I've still slid a little.  I know what I should be doing and that's the hardest part to swallow, or NOT to swallow.  I've read the books.  I know what is good for me and what isn't.  I know what a normal portion size is.  So what in the world is it in my brain that turns that off?? What is it that causes that evil voice to pop up and say "Just go ahead, we'll exercise tomorrow, it'll be ok" knowing that I won't exercise.  I need to figure out what it is.   They say that people who lack this turn-off switch are trying to fill something.  I'm not sure what I'm trying to fill, maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I won't.  I just know that I need some new habits.  Good ones.  Right now, I'm my worst enemy and I need to quit sabotaging myself.  I need to tell that little cheater voice to shut up and suck on a celery stick.  

 

Can someone say "ouch"?

I've a new outlook on tooth pain.  Yes, I had a major toothache. 

I've never made fun of or belittled those who have had major toothaches before but I can honestly say, I never really had any concept of the pain.  

In the wee hours of Tuesday morning I awoke suddenly to a major pain in one of my teeth.  It was one of my teeth that seemed to have a small cavity.  I've got worse teeth, so I assumed something must've gotten lodged in the cavity and as soon as I brushed it would be fine. 

It wasn't.  I brushed my teeth several times and the pain just got worse.  I took some Ibuprofen to take the edge off, but the pain was so intense that I knew, I had no choice, I must go to the dentist.  AAACK!

I pulled up every bit of courage...ok, maybe courage is too strong a word, but it was not something I was looking forward to, so I pushed the dread to the back of my mind and hauled my butt off to the dentist.  I'd never gone to this particular one before but he turned out to be a good choice.  (Some people know what they are talking about when they refer you to a doctor.  Others, well, let's just say they ought to keep their opinions to themselves.)

A few hours and a root canal later, I was off on my merry way.  

When I've gone to the dentist in the past, I've been given Tylenol 3 as a painkiller.  This one says to me, "You had quite a bit of infection, so I'm going to give you a prescription for some generic Vicodin."

"Huh? For a tooth?" I'm thinking. 

With numb face and lips I head toward the Publix pharmacy.  I figure I'll make use of my wait time and grab some Jello and maybe some soup, so I can eat some lunch without munching the side of my mouth.  After waiting 20min for my meds, the numbness was wearing off.  I was beginning to feel pain that didn't even compare to the prior tooth pain pre-root canal.  "What have I done?" I'm thinking, as I'm also wondering how fast I could hop the pharmacy counter to grab that magical yellow-brown bottle and pop a pill.  I managed to control myself and politely accepted my little pharmacy package and left as quickly as I could.  Once home, I dosed myself and promptly passed out.

  

I skipped breakfast and lunch that day.  Then I had Jello and pudding for dinner.  The following day I was still afraid to eat anything solid.  Not until Thursday did I get brave and begin to eat normally again.  

The amazing and frightening thing in all of this is not how my neglect of my dental hygeine led to an extra expense, not to mention excruciating pain, it was the fact that I was able to lose a little over 6lbs this week because of it.  It makes one ALMOST think of starving themselves for a day each week.  I say ALMOST because I'm not idiot enough to believe it would work.  I've read enough fitness and nutrition articles to know better.  Doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind anyway, we all have weak moments.